This weekend was a weekend full of ups and downs. It was a weekend I had been anticipating for a long time, and that anticipation was interrupted by alarming news and some very scary moments for our family.
I am happy to say that right now all is as well. I’m in a waiting game to see what God chooses to do with what’s happened this weekend, and it puts me in a place of complete surrender to what God wants to do. I should actually be in this place all the time, I’ve come to realize. Not in a state of constant worry, but in a state of constant trust.
I was talking to Harold a couple nights ago. As I was hugging my husband, I was telling him how I usually have these thoughts that someday, he may not come home from work. It sounds like a constant state of depression, but really it’s just a thought of reality that if God chose to, my husband wouldn’t come home to me one day. (It makes me tear up if I think about it too much) Instead of making me worry every day when he’s gone, I’m finding myself more thankful at the end of the day when he is safely home. I also find myself enjoying our moments more. I find myself realizing the same for Kaylee and our little one on the way. It’s just a constant reminder that our lives are so fragile; it’s a miracle that we are still walking and breathing.
Tomorrow isn’t guaranteed to anyone. We are still young, barely 30. We anticipate living til we’re in our 70’s, 80’s, maybe even 90’s. We picture ourselves being the cute old couple still hugging and kissing in public. We live for that to happen. We plan for that to happen. We plan to see Kaylee eventually walk down the aisle. We plan to see our other little one graduate and start his/her own family. We plan to see our kids start their lives, and let us come to visit them. We plan to see grandkids. We plan to live a long life together. But in the back of my mind, there is this constant reminder that God’s plans may not always be our own. “Til death do us part” can happen anytime, not just when we’re in our 80’s.
This may sound like a very sad and depressing post right now, but I honestly view this as helpful for me. It doesn’t make me worry constantly about if Harold comes home or not. It doesn’t make me cry every time that Kaylee naps, wondering if she’s going to wake up. It brings me to a place of surrender that God will do what He wants, and His plan is always Good. It reminds me of how little we are and how big God is.
I’m not prescribing that we all think about our spouses and/or children not being with us at the end of the day. What I am saying, is find something that reminds you of how small you are and how big God is. I’m asking you to find something in your life that shows you that without God, we aren’t taking another breath. Maybe it’s looking outside and seeing the vastness of the universe. That makes me feel pretty small too. Looking up pictures of our universe hundreds of light years away and seeing just what else is out there. That makes me feel pretty small too.
Or maybe even looking deep in our bodies at a cellular level. How so many different toxins and poisons can change our cells and cause mutations that effect our systems and eventually make life harder and harder to live. You look at toxins that can block oxygen transfers to our cells and how easily they die away, and how that can happen so drastically that life ends within hours or even minutes. That makes me feel pretty small too.
We think we’re such hot shots that are going to live forever. We young ones that have so much life ahead of us. We feel indestructible! Guess what? We’re not. We are alive because God sustains us, and He can change that whenever He pleases. I’m challenging you to change your thoughts and perspective. Instead of thinking “I deserve to live til I’m 80,” think “It will be privilege to live til I’m 80.” It’s easy to think that God has wronged us when something bad happens. Instead, I should be overjoyed when things actually go as I’ve asked.
I want to make choices now that will bring Harold and myself to the place we hope to be years down the road. That’s why I’m with Young Living. That’s why I care about what we eat and drink. We’re doing the best we can with what we’ve got, and we’re trusting God with the rest.
This is what it looks like for me. This is another way I choose to keep striving and thriving.